In a recent article written for Relevant Magazine, blogger and author Ally Spotts tackled the rather difficult and emotive issue of Christians having sex before marriage. Spotts began by saying that while Christians are supposed to wait until marriage for sex, they don’t do a very good job of it, since statistics show that up to 80% of Christians in their 20s admit to engaging in premarital sex.
Spotts confesses that she is one of those Christians, despite the fact that the abstinence message was drummed into her from a young age. Spotts believes that one of the reasons she and so many other Christians failed to wait, despite their best intentions, is because she spent too much time wrestling with all the wrong questions. Spotts insists that while she knew she was supposed to wait, she didn’t really know why and because of this she spent a lot of energy struggling with issues like, ‘How far is too far,’ instead of ‘Why am I supposed to do this?’
Spotts is convinced that dealing with the wrong questions sent her in the wrong direction and as a result she spent years nurturing insecurities and growing in confusion and guilt. She adds that even when she did ask the right question (why am I doing this) the trite answers given to her were rarely satisfying. Spotts then began to work on finding out for herself why God would ask Christians to be abstinent outside of marriage when sex itself is declared a ‘good’ and healthy act.
Spott summarises her findings as a list of reasons why God asks us to wait for marriage for sex:
“1. It Builds Trust. Trust that your spouse is the kind of person who can control his or her sexual urges. Trust that your spouse values his/her sexuality enough to guard it until marriage. Trust that your spouse values you and your needs above anyone else. Trust that your spouse understands the concept of self-sacrifice and delayed gratification.
Trust takes time to build. You might as well start now.
2. It Builds Friendship. Sex in addition to friendship creates a really lasting bond in a relationship—one that is hard to break. Sex without friendship is fragile and explosive. It’s like an expensive vase set on an unsteady table. Just give it the slightest bump and it will tumble and break.
How are you working to be friends first?
3. Happiness Isn't Everything. If the purpose of my relationships is happiness, then any time I feel unhappy or uncomfortable the temptation will be to end my relationship. If the purpose of my relationship is holiness, then I’ll see every discomfort as an opportunity to work toward becoming more whole.
Are your relationships making you happy, or are they making you whole?
4. You Are Valuable. Strong physical boundaries speak to your value. You are worth more than a movie ticket or a cup of coffee or a couple of dinners out. You are not that easily accessible. It takes more than that. Let your physical boundaries speak to the value you place on your sexuality.
Are you communicating the right message about your value?
5. Lust Is Not Manageable. If you think you can entertain lust in a dating relationship (or as a single person) and stop when you get married, you’re in line for a rude awakening. Lust does not have a light switch.
Do you want to get rid of lust now or later?
Whether you waited for marriage, are sorting out your sexual history or just need a reminder your wait is worth it, we can address the questions of sex directly, with honesty. Let’s start asking the right questions.”
(You can read this article in full at www.relevantmagazine.com).