“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” (Clarence Budington Kelland).
Today we are poised midway between Youth Day and Father’s Day. There is a strange synergy to that because we know that fathers have an incredible influence on the lives of the youth in our country. This influence can be for good or bad, but mostly it seems to be for bad. This may seem like a sweeping generalisation because there are so many good fathers out there. Fathers, who make their share of mistakes, but try their best anyway. Unfortunately though, as statistics show, most fathers aren't like that at all. Most fathers are not the loving, attentive and nurturing dads their children need them to be. This is simply because most fathers are absent. Well over 50% of youth in South African grow up without a dad in their lives. Others wish their dads would pay them less attention because when they do they are abusive and violent.
Extensive research shows that fathers who play an positive active role in their children's lives can significantly increase the quality of their children's lives, and decrease the threats to their healthy development (see the National Fatherhood Initiative publication titled “The Father Factor: How Father Absence Affects Our Youth”). Yet, we don’t need research to see what plain common sense tells us – dads matter! Having a good father around offers massive benefits to their sons and daughters. This is because both young men and women need positive male role models around to teach them how to healthily negotiate their own relationships. I would go so far as to say that one of the reasons South Africa is struggling socially is because we are so sorely lacking these positive male role models. This absence is literally killing our youth.
Unfortunately, poor fathering is something that is passed on from generation to generation. Poor parenting can become a savage cycle of anger and absence. The Bible itself testifies to this ugly and self-perpetuating cycle. Remember how Abraham favoured Isaac over Ishmael, and then Isaac in turn dotes over Esau rather than Jacob who then repeats the sins of his father’s by loving Joseph more than his other sons. In each case this favouritism brings envy, treachery and bereavement to the family at large. King David is another example, for if you read the stories of his later life you find an inattentive father who ruled over a family broken by incest, fratricide and rebellion.
So because we learn to be men from the men around us, it is asking a lot for young men who have grown up without fathers to suddenly become loving, nurturing parents themselves. It is asking a lot but it certainly is not too much to ask. It can and should be done but will involve a whole lot of internal hard work and intentional commitment. I would love to see more programmes in our communities that aim to develop the skills and emotional resources of young men to help them become good parents. I would love to see massive organisations with significant resources such as the ANC Youth League throwing their weight behind this type of initiative instead of throwing their weight around hotel convention centres. It certainly is not impossible for someone to teach themselves to be a good parent or role model, and it is the very least we should expect of ourselves.
We can change our country one family at a time, one child at a time if young men who may have suffered themselves through absent or abusive fathers, resolve not to ‘pay it forward’ but instead decide to end the dysfunctional cycle once and for all. Young men who commit themselves to be there for their children – to support them, protect them, encourage them and love them. So c’mon dads – believe it, we can change our country for the better one child at a time. Strive to be fully present and emotionally available and you will help your children change the world.